please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
