we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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