I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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