i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
