You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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