tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
