I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
