Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
