I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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