I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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