I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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