so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
