Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
