I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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