no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
