I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
smell my finger.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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