You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
