I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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