Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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