how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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