He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
