Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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