Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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