You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
