If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
