What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
