It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Someone shattered a urinal.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize