I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
