I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
