Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's always time for handjobs
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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