How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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