Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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