Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
