he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
