You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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