I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
