I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I could fuck to npr.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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