this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
