I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize