we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
