He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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