i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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