I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize