Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
