Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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