I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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