Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
