so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
