i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
