Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize