his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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