I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize