she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
