Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
