As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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