you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
