There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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