Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
