Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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