Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
